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[howtheyshine]

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[howtheyshine]

Edwin has been practicing purring. His own small rumble is like a tiny echo of his brother's, something like harmony.

I... I don't know. I know I'm... I know we aren't the only people on board who aren't human. And I don't want to be human. Not really. I j-just...

He's not sure how to put it. He's not even sure what's actually bothering him about it all. Just the sense of being Not Right, of being Off, of being Made Wrong.

[greatoldjohn]

John is quiet as he considers what Edwin said, considers how he wants to approach it, and decides that the best route is both direct and not.

How often do you judge yourself in comparison to me?

[howtheyshine]

The question blindsides him. Of all the things John could say or ask, it seems the most unexpected if only because of how obvious the answer is.

I always do.

[greatoldjohn]

And how often does it make you feel good about who you are and the person you want to be?

[howtheyshine]

He feels immediately guilty at the answer to that question, for reasons he can't pin down. Edwin presses his face against John to hide his expression.

Sometimes.

[greatoldjohn]

John will take a moment to pet down his back side a few times before he speaks again.

What do you do when you don't like the answer?

[howtheyshine]

I'm... not sure.

Most of the time he feels bad until he can focus on something else.

[greatoldjohn]

But you don't think I'm better than you or anything, right?

[howtheyshine]

His ears flick backward, flatten out. He can't think of a good way to tell the truth, so he doesn't say anything.

[greatoldjohn]

Nu-uh. He's going to get lightly nudged.

I'm not.

[howtheyshine]

Then--

He tucks into himself, the cat-shape becoming more Round than anything else.

Then why am I an inmate?

[greatoldjohn]

He'll resist the urge to laugh because hoooo boy has he thought about that.

Because you came earlier than I did. I think if I came even half an hour before I did, I'd have been an inmate.

To be clearer, so there's no mistake-

The only difference is that you haven't figured your shit out yet. You don't have to figure out all of it: I haven't. But you need to get a few big pieces done. That's all.

The fact that you're here means you can. You just haven't yet.

[howtheyshine]

You did. In less time. You were a warden before and you stayed one.

He doesn't see how that makes an argument that John isn't better than him.

[greatoldjohn]

I meant the first time.

He keeps petting him.

So this is about speed?

[howtheyshine]

No... Not really.

He doesn't know how to explain if John still doesn't understand. There was a bar set before Yellow ever existed, long before Edwin did. He doesn't know where the bar is. He just knows he hasn't reached it.

[greatoldjohn]

He understands. He just very much disagrees. And he could question more, but he's got enough experience with Natalie that he has an idea what this is.

There's nothing broken, or tainted, or wrong with you, Edwin. You don't have to be like me to be a person or to be happy or to graduate. We might have started from the same place, but we've taken different paths and it's made us different.

Not better or worse. Just different.

[howtheyshine]

There's a weird... disappointment that Edwin can't define. A fatigue and sense of loss he doesn't know what to do with. John doesn't get it. He doesn't know. He doesn't know what it's like to try so hard for the person that made you and have them sneer at the effort. He doesn't know what that means.

He doesn't understand that different is worse. Maybe not all kinds of different. But whatever kind Edwin is.

Okay.

[greatoldjohn]

John breathes in deep and holds back the urge to growl. Arthur. Astarion. Edwin. He loves all of them and all of them are fucking stupid but not in a way that means they don't deserve to be happy and aren't wonderful and clever and smart but in the way that means that they're all sitting there building walls in front of themselves, walking into them, and then being sad that a wall is keeping them from being the person they want to be.

No! Not 'okay!'

It's growled but low, frustrated, not angry.

It's not okay for you to insult my brother! It's not okay for you to think my brother is less or worse or not as good.

I love you! I love you for who you are, not because you're a shitty version of me! I love you because you're different from me! And I'm- I'm angry that you're going to sit there and think that you're not as good when you're just as good and whatever metric you're using that tells you different is probably just because people say stupid shit a lot of the time!

[howtheyshine]

He flinches, tenses, the way he always does when someone in close proximity gets upset, and it takes him a few extra seconds when John is finished talking to catch up.

And then he is angry, though he couldn't say at what if asked. He pushes away from his brother and jumps to the ground to find the nearest piece of furniture he can jam himself under.

[greatoldjohn]

And John is going to let him and then sit next to it with his arms crossed.

I'm not taking it back. You're fucking wonderful. And no, you can't prove different because I know you'd just be doing it to try and show me I shouldn't believe in you and it's not going to work so fucking accept the responsibility of being someone I love and stop hiding behind the idea that there's something wrong with you! There isn't!

[howtheyshine]

He doesn't answer immediately, instead covering his ears with his paws like that will make John's words inaudible when they're not being spoken aloud.

Go away!

[greatoldjohn]

Only if you promise that you're not going to just sit under there and sulk!

[howtheyshine]

Fuck you!

He can't even make himself mean it, though, and the lack of conviction shows through his own growl.

Fuck you. I don't want to be-- be-- I don't want to be whatever I am!

[greatoldjohn]

Fuck me? Fuck you!

Don't like it? Change it! That's something you can do! Every day! It's not easy but it's small enough that you can do it!

[howtheyshine]

He pulls on his ears, frustrated enough to reply less with words or even ideas than a burst of anger and old hurt and bitterness.

Fuck you!

This time he manages to mean it.

You didn't have to come back to the barge as a fucking animal. You didn't have to come back and look like-- like-- like a daemon, like something that isn't even its own person, like something that only exists because a human already did.