Oh there's just a weariness that's soaked in those words, fond weariness but weariness all the same. He can't help it after his brief conversation with Astarion.
Who are you?
He holds up a finger very quickly.
And any time you're going to use the word 'should' or 'supposed to' or 'was' or 'the right way' or 'expected' or anything like that, throw that sentence away. ...and don't get cute and figure out ways to say it that don't use those words. You know what I mean.
'Want' or 'Like' or 'Enjoy', all of those are good. Things you've 'decided' are too. But anything that comes from anyone else, including me, if it isn't also something you like... out it goes.
The crack lets out a little huff of sullenness, then:
I like figuring out ways to say things that don't use words I'm not allowed.
A long pause. He has to sift through a lot to find something that follows John's rules.
I like... being in the middle of growing things. I like animals, seeing them happy, making them happy, because-- because they don't know how to be mean, really, so no one should be to them. Or-- uh. They don't know how to be mean. So I like... making sure they're happy.
That cascade of positive emotions startles him into emerging a little more from behind the barrier. Just as tentative, he unfolds from the egg-shape, back into the form of a fox. Or at least half the form of a fox--his hind end is still formless and snugged against John.
I like-- music. All kinds of music. Even the kinds I don't like, I like imagining the people who do. I... love books. What they are, what they do, but also how they're made. That's-- That's one of the first things I learned I liked. The bindings. How they're put together. All the different ways. Uh.
The fox is back, climbing on top of John to try and lie on his chest.
I love the stars. I love watching them. I missed them so much when-- I missed them so much when I wasn't here.
I... love... my family.
You. Jedao. Hakkai. Arthur.
...What's a name for someone who's like family but isn't family? Friend is just-- friend. Hunter isn't just a friend.
And John's arm will shift up to support the little not!fox as he settles on his chest. He might feel it, how John's relaxing, how he's settling down, how some of the tension from earlier is easing away: not just the tension from when he got frustrated, but the tension at the door, the way he felt uncomfortable and a little nervous. That's gone now, and the snuggling is less desperate and more delighted.
Companion. Bosom friend. Cohort. There's a few in other languages too.
As that tension leaves, the last of the quiet horror at himself that made Edwin shut down ebbs off as well. It's the first time he's felt like himself since he came back, though he does't recognize that fact. Not yet.
Languages. Languages are fascinating. All the ways people find to talk to each other. How much they want to talk to each other, that they'll spend so much time finding ways.
A pause.
That's not-- who I am, though, that's just an interesting thing.
He's starting to feel overwhelmed again, but in an entirely new direction. There's a connection being made that he can't articulate yet, but he's getting there.
And all the things we're talking about. They make you feel good and happy. They help you connect with people. And none of them hurt anyone. They make other people happy too. Yes?
As soon as he's set down from the headkiss, he's going to snug himself underneath John's chin. It's probably a good thing they don't need to breathe.
He's a steady swirl of overlapped feelings that change speedily enough that Edwin doesn't bother trying to puzzle them all out. His psyche is spinning around that revelation, or rather the realization.
I get to choose. The statement is borderline experimental. It's not a box someone made that I need to fit. I get to choose.
A pause, one that's not long enough for John to interject yet.
And all the times Arthur was so-- angry that I wasn't you, he was grieving the person he tried to save, the person he made a promise to, the person whose choices made you happy together. O-or maybe not happy all the time, but the person whose choices helped him feel... whole. Grieving-- Grieving the person who spoke his heart's language.
He thought he'd forgiven Arthur already, and maybe he had, but for the first time it feels like something else has been lifted off his shoulders too.
I never-- I never got to tell you that I picked a surname. Right before the breach. I forgot to mention it after, with... everything.
Anxiety hums through him, that familiar sense that something important is about to be put at risk, and he realizes choosing might be simple, but it also might be far from easy.
B...
Buck.
I-I'll probably use Cho, too, because I think that would make Jedao and Hakkai happy but-- I wanted... I wanted one that was... mine. J-Just mine.
He's going to run his hand along the little fox back, up and down, soothing.
It's a good name.
Very very fond.
Did I tell you that my name was John Hart in one breach? I've considered using that one day, since John Doe has certain connotations in the mortal world. Maybe when I feel like I'm ready for it. Names can be... powerful that way.
I like that, John Hart. JD Hart. The D can stand for something. Don't people have 'middle' names, too?
A pause.
I didn't really... think about it, when I picked Edwin. It didn't mean much to me at the time, but it was something that wasn't 'Yellow.' It was something that didn't hurt to hear.
I don't think...
Before now, before right now, I don't think I ever thought about what I actually want, for me. I always think about... what will make people happy with me, because I'm happy when they're happy with me.
Or maybe happy isn't the right word.
I'm... relieved, I can relax, when people are happy with me.
...Except when I get angry enough to forget it matters.
He isn't mocking him with that; he means every word. The amount that his own happiness depends on that of those around him is significant. It's also just hard to see a better thing to do than make them feel good.
It took me a while too. Thinking about a future beyond that is hard even without other people.
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Oh there's just a weariness that's soaked in those words, fond weariness but weariness all the same. He can't help it after his brief conversation with Astarion.
Who are you?
He holds up a finger very quickly.
And any time you're going to use the word 'should' or 'supposed to' or 'was' or 'the right way' or 'expected' or anything like that, throw that sentence away. ...and don't get cute and figure out ways to say it that don't use those words. You know what I mean.
'Want' or 'Like' or 'Enjoy', all of those are good. Things you've 'decided' are too. But anything that comes from anyone else, including me, if it isn't also something you like... out it goes.
Go.
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I like figuring out ways to say things that don't use words I'm not allowed.
A long pause. He has to sift through a lot to find something that follows John's rules.
I like... being in the middle of growing things. I like animals, seeing them happy, making them happy, because-- because they don't know how to be mean, really, so no one should be to them. Or-- uh. They don't know how to be mean. So I like... making sure they're happy.
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That is an unadulterated burst of excitement and encouragement. Good! Right! Exactly!
Keep going. Is there more?
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I like-- music. All kinds of music. Even the kinds I don't like, I like imagining the people who do. I... love books. What they are, what they do, but also how they're made. That's-- That's one of the first things I learned I liked. The bindings. How they're put together. All the different ways. Uh.
The fox is back, climbing on top of John to try and lie on his chest.
I love the stars. I love watching them. I missed them so much when-- I missed them so much when I wasn't here.
I... love... my family.
You. Jedao. Hakkai. Arthur.
...What's a name for someone who's like family but isn't family? Friend is just-- friend. Hunter isn't just a friend.
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Companion. Bosom friend. Cohort. There's a few in other languages too.
A gentle nudge.
Any more?
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Languages. Languages are fascinating. All the ways people find to talk to each other. How much they want to talk to each other, that they'll spend so much time finding ways.
A pause.
That's not-- who I am, though, that's just an interesting thing.
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Why is being interested in how beings communicate not who you are?
A pause.
No 'suppose'. No 'should'. No 'wrong'.
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I don't know.
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He's starting to feel overwhelmed again, but in an entirely new direction. There's a connection being made that he can't articulate yet, but he's getting there.
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A pause, then all at once:
It can't be that simple though. It can't be that simple. It's that simple?
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There's a harder part. But making the decision? Yup.
That simple.
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Oh.
Sorry he's still shooketh.
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He's not going to say anything, but John's very clearly content to let him work it through a few times.
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He's a steady swirl of overlapped feelings that change speedily enough that Edwin doesn't bother trying to puzzle them all out. His psyche is spinning around that revelation, or rather the realization.
I get to choose. The statement is borderline experimental. It's not a box someone made that I need to fit. I get to choose.
A pause, one that's not long enough for John to interject yet.
And all the times Arthur was so-- angry that I wasn't you, he was grieving the person he tried to save, the person he made a promise to, the person whose choices made you happy together. O-or maybe not happy all the time, but the person whose choices helped him feel... whole. Grieving-- Grieving the person who spoke his heart's language.
He thought he'd forgiven Arthur already, and maybe he had, but for the first time it feels like something else has been lifted off his shoulders too.
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This time there's more lightness to the statement, a borderline wonder.
That's really-- That's really it?
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That's the biggest part. What... guides everything else. The shape that you fill in.
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Anxiety hums through him, that familiar sense that something important is about to be put at risk, and he realizes choosing might be simple, but it also might be far from easy.
B...
Buck.
I-I'll probably use Cho, too, because I think that would make Jedao and Hakkai happy but-- I wanted... I wanted one that was... mine. J-Just mine.
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It's a good name.
Very very fond.
Did I tell you that my name was John Hart in one breach? I've considered using that one day, since John Doe has certain connotations in the mortal world. Maybe when I feel like I'm ready for it. Names can be... powerful that way.
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A pause.
I didn't really... think about it, when I picked Edwin. It didn't mean much to me at the time, but it was something that wasn't 'Yellow.' It was something that didn't hurt to hear.
I don't think...
Before now, before right now, I don't think I ever thought about what I actually want, for me. I always think about... what will make people happy with me, because I'm happy when they're happy with me.
Or maybe happy isn't the right word.
I'm... relieved, I can relax, when people are happy with me.
...Except when I get angry enough to forget it matters.
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He isn't mocking him with that; he means every word. The amount that his own happiness depends on that of those around him is significant. It's also just hard to see a better thing to do than make them feel good.
It took me a while too. Thinking about a future beyond that is hard even without other people.
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Larson-- Being with Larson felt like that. It made me remember feeling like that.
...Richter made me feel it and...
It didn't make me feel better, hurting him. I wanted it to make me feel better.
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He's quiet for a moment because he doesn't want to make it worse.
I learned how to heal. I can show you how to help it go faster.
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