“You’re always allowed to say ‘no’, realistically,” Malcolm acknowledges, “but I know how hard that is too. I wasn’t trying to convey that you couldn’t say no. Just… when we talked, you said you were afraid that if you did anything bad, people would give up on you. So I was trying to demonstrate that I wouldn’t give up on you, even if you tried to push me away yourself before I could decide to. Which is what I thought you were doing. I didn’t realize you really wanted me to leave it. So. I won’t do it again.”
Edwin stares up at him, dumbfounded, the personification of the wibbly face emoji in blobfox form.
"That was why?" Oh, that makes him feel--he's not sure, but it's good. Achey, fragile, but very good.
"Sometimes when I-- I get upset I just... want to say no to things, or fight about things, even if there's not... not really a fight. Y-you weren't wrong. That I was maybe trying to push you away. Maybe next time... try again later? I mean, not next time I kill someone. I don't want to do that. But if I get angry and I'm not listening. Coming back later... that's another way to not give up. M-maybe?"
He genuinely doesn't know for sure, but it feels right. He almost always calms down enough to think pretty quickly after getting truly mad.
He leaves the book to clamber over to Malcolm and hug... his leg. Because it's both what Edwin can reach and his limbs only go about leg-width before he has to stretch them.
"That's a good idea, I c..." But then Edwin is hugging his leg and he smiles, reaching down to pat his back gently. "I can do that. As long as you promise you won't assume I turned my back on you forever by... stopping. I have a hard time letting go of things. Of ideas. Of people. Of... trying to connect, even when... maybe it's... not working. But if I know that... we have an understanding... that your 'go away' means 'go away for right now' and my going away then doesn't mean not wanting to come back... then I think it will be easier." He frowns faintly at himself. "Does that make sense?"
"Yes," he gives Malcolm's Leg a tighter squeeze and then lets go so he can try and climb to Malcolm's shoulder. "It helps a lot. It helps a fucking lot, planning how to make things work, emotional things."
“It does help a lot,” Malcolm agrees, bending and manoeuvring his arm to facilitate the climb more easily. “Most people don’t want to do it. They want you to just know some set of rules that… I guess people just know. It’s like… some sort of initiation to being a person that I keep failing.” He tilts his head to look at Edwin. “Is it easier not looking like a person for that part? Like… they’ll be more patient and teach you the people stuff because you look like something else? They feel like it’s right that you need help because you started as some other sort of being?”
“If you’re human, you’re supposed to just know. You’re supposed to just know what other people need to hear at a given moment or what you shouldn’t say even though it’s obvious……… I swing and miss wildly a lot of the time,” Malcolm admits.
"Then I missed them or I missed the opportunity for them, but you're being extended the hand up and I'm glad to see it. A little envious,but glad," Malcolm tells him. "I was never offered that. I guess... in some ways I was always off-putting to other people. And the harder I tried not to be, the more I was."
He tilts his head, considering. "Then... go somewhere else. You can go to any world you want from here, can't you? There's not going to be whole universes where no one feels like you about things. The barge is... more people than I knew before, but everyone says it's not that big."
"This is actually the only place I have had that. I was from a much, much bigger world and I never had it. Not once," Malcolm tells him. "So... I'm afraid that if I don't make the effort... I'm not doing my part."
“Someone has to start it, though,” Malcolm tells him. “One person has to reach the hand out and see if they can get the other person to take it,” he adds.
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"That was why?" Oh, that makes him feel--he's not sure, but it's good. Achey, fragile, but very good.
"Sometimes when I-- I get upset I just... want to say no to things, or fight about things, even if there's not... not really a fight. Y-you weren't wrong. That I was maybe trying to push you away. Maybe next time... try again later? I mean, not next time I kill someone. I don't want to do that. But if I get angry and I'm not listening. Coming back later... that's another way to not give up. M-maybe?"
He genuinely doesn't know for sure, but it feels right. He almost always calms down enough to think pretty quickly after getting truly mad.
He leaves the book to clamber over to Malcolm and hug... his leg. Because it's both what Edwin can reach and his limbs only go about leg-width before he has to stretch them.
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"I don't know. Other than in breaches I've never been human, so I don't know how it would be different. It could be though."
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"Well. Don't try then, maybe. Just... be, and let people who like you find you."
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What does he mean?
"I mean... be you, and some people won't like it, but the ones who do will show you they do."
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Edwin please take your own advice.
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