The kitten he's holding squirms just enough to throw himself free of Edwin's hold and make one of those alarming thuds that leaves toddlers and small animals completely unfazed. There is yarn, and he wants it.
Edwin, meanwhile, backs toward the door, as he replays the last Charlie-related conversation that happened in the kennels.
"He hates..." He flails in brief desperation and then says the thing he was trying to avoid anyway. "Me. He hates me. I promised I would stay away, so I should go."
This is a big ship, and full of strangers, and each stranger is stranger than the last. It's in a big sky, bigger than Noel thought the sky could possibly be. But this kid knows Charlie. That's a little bit of land in open ocean.
Also he's like sixteen. He's probably overestimating the level of dislike. What would even make Charlie really genuinely properly hate a kid?
"I'm just from Earth. Hell, I ain't even been outside the state. And I ain't as good at... hitting the ground running, as some people are. He's better at that, Charlie."
The kitten who escaped from Edwin throws itself down next to the ball of yarn and becomes instantly, joyfully tangled. Noel looks at it, only half watching it.
"I met another guy who said he knew him, but he was a- a vampire, and I dunno if he was even tellin' the truth half the time. And then I saw the sky outside and I don't..."
Beat.
"Sorry. Should learn to shut my mouth. I only... Sorry. What do I call you?"
He stops, he listens, and the more Noel talks the more Edwin can't leave without trying to help. It makes him sad at the same time it lifts something in his spirits, makes him think Yes! Exactly!
"I'm not good at it either. I like knowing where I'm going to land when I have to run." The metaphor there is a little bit jumbled, but it'll do. "There are vampires here, so the vampire might have known him, but--"
He comes back in and walks over to sit on the floor next to Noel's rapidly tangling yarn.
"You don't have to say you're sorry. I-- I came here as an inmate. I didn't get a choice either. I know what it's like, for everything you believed about the world to get... broken. Anyone who gets impatient with you for being... for needing space to think can go fuck themselves."
A nervous grin and a hah that sounds more like tension relieving than laughter, at the unexpectedly blunt end to that sentence. This guy seems like a smart kid.
Noel's silent for a moment, nodding, in part because that seems uh pretty fucked up to do to a boy (he can't remember the last time a kid got more than a warning in his tiny village, and if they did get picked up they wouldn't get put in the Total Perspective Vortex about it), and because he's trying to decide if it's condescending to say so. He might be overthinking it. Getting knocked for six by the reveal of infinite universes makes a guy doubt himself sometimes.
Anyway, he tests and discards about five different versions of 'you're handling it well' or 'that's rough buddy' before going with:
"Thanks. I, uh..."
If all else fails, say something you're sure about:
"Don't worry too much about Charlie hatin' you. I don't know what all happened between you, but I know him, I-I've known him pretty much since we were born, and I don't think I ever seen him really truly hate someone." It's part of why Noel loves him. It's in his voice that it makes Noel love him. "You seem like a good kid. He's an understanding guy, he'll come around."
It's probably cowardly of him, but. There's only so much stress the kittens can absorb, you know?
And he can't imagine it was bad. Well, okay, he can imagine bad, but he can't imagine intentional. Not if the boy was immediately willing to back off and respect Charlie's boundary. He wonders if he should dislike the kid for clearly hurting Charlie in some way, and knows he could do it if he tried, but -- why try? He already seems to regret it, and that's the way kids learn.
He is pissed off, a bit, but that's what the kittens are for.
He squints, trying to figure out how to put it without saying something that would upset a human who's never dealt with nonhuman things.
"The best I can explain, without explaining, is that... my... father hurt him, badly, for a long time. And when he sees me, he sees the person who hurt him."
Is it too late to break out the 'that's rough buddy'?
Noel's first thought is that no, Charlie of all people knows that you aren't your father, but. There's an important phrase there, and it's the best I can explain. This isn't really about anyone's father.
"This, uh." Hesitant. It still feels kind of insane to say. "Somethin' to do with time not lining up exactly right?"
There are so many answers to that question. Edwin sticks with what's simplest.
"Yes." A pause, and he weighs the extra things he could say. "I'm a warden now, but I came here as an inmate, because... I was someone worth hating. I don't remember it, there are reasons I don't, but it still happened. What happened to Charlie, I'm still responsible for it, even if it feels like someone else's fault. I don't want him to hate me. I don't like it, but-- I was someone worth hating."
It takes Noel a great many seconds to find good words, and he's aware that they probably aren't very comfortable seconds for the kid, but he's... honestly not even sure how he feels about this. What he's taking from the vague shape of the explanation is that maybe the boy will grow up -- or would have grown up -- to do something really awful to Charlie, or something like that in some order, and so sharp protective indignation is struggling against... other things. An attempt to be level-headed.
He's still perceiving Edwin as a child, though, and it makes him gentler.
"I guess I can't... say anythin' about it on his behalf," he starts, awkwardly. Please don't read a few tags back in the conversation thank you.
"If you don't mind me sayin', though -- even if you were a real grade A prick, you- you don't wanna keep repeating it to yourself. Trust me, I used to uh." An embarrassed, apologetic shrug. "Yell at people, run around causin' trouble. I still ain't proud of it. But it wasn't thinkin' about how bad I was that helped, that- that just made me think I couldn't be anything else. What helps is thinkin' about... who you want to be. And why."
Edwin had been in the middle of untangling a kitten, but he listens. He listens, and then looks up at Noel, eyes wide, kitten and yarn snared around his fingers.
"What if-- What if it's to remind me what I don't want to be? What I know is wrong?"
Oh boy that's a tough one. Noel blows out air, thinking.
"Well, uh... there's rememberin' it for that reason, and then there's rememberin' it to hurt yourself. It's figuring out which kind of remembering you're doing that's the, the trick." And he realises he's assuming a lot about a kid he doesn't know, and adds: "Maybe you already got that fact figured out, I- I dunno."
Well, if he looks at Edwin when sharing that last addition, he'll find the kid giving him puppy eyes to rival the actual dogs in the room. No, Noel, he had not gotten that fact figured out, he didn't even know that was a fact in the offing.
Oh boy, that look. It's so earnest, and it makes him feel like he's actually helped some, and makes him want to help more. It breaks his heart, sometimes, that he'll never get a look like that from a child of his own. He loves Charlie, don't get him wrong, but that doesn't mean he never tried to do things the way you're supposed to, or that he doesn't long after... you know. Children. A wedding. A white picket fence. It is what it is.
He gives the boy an encouraging smile, a warm one, while he fiddles with his own section of the yarn.
Edwin finally looks down at the closest kitten again. He touches its ears as delicately as he knows how, to watch the way they bend with barely any pressure.
"I... It's so-- It's so complicated all the time. Being... accountable and remembering what I used to be and remembering what he did, but not... not hating myself for things he did and remembering that I'm me because I didn't want to be him, that I chose to be something different, and also not forgetting the things I did wrong figuring that out, because I don't want to do them again."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
The kitten he's holding squirms just enough to throw himself free of Edwin's hold and make one of those alarming thuds that leaves toddlers and small animals completely unfazed. There is yarn, and he wants it.
Edwin, meanwhile, backs toward the door, as he replays the last Charlie-related conversation that happened in the kennels.
"He hates..." He flails in brief desperation and then says the thing he was trying to avoid anyway. "Me. He hates me. I promised I would stay away, so I should go."
no subject
This is a big ship, and full of strangers, and each stranger is stranger than the last. It's in a big sky, bigger than Noel thought the sky could possibly be. But this kid knows Charlie. That's a little bit of land in open ocean.
Also he's like sixteen. He's probably overestimating the level of dislike. What would even make Charlie really genuinely properly hate a kid?
"I'm just from Earth. Hell, I ain't even been outside the state. And I ain't as good at... hitting the ground running, as some people are. He's better at that, Charlie."
The kitten who escaped from Edwin throws itself down next to the ball of yarn and becomes instantly, joyfully tangled. Noel looks at it, only half watching it.
"I met another guy who said he knew him, but he was a- a vampire, and I dunno if he was even tellin' the truth half the time. And then I saw the sky outside and I don't..."
Beat.
"Sorry. Should learn to shut my mouth. I only... Sorry. What do I call you?"
no subject
"I'm not good at it either. I like knowing where I'm going to land when I have to run." The metaphor there is a little bit jumbled, but it'll do. "There are vampires here, so the vampire might have known him, but--"
He comes back in and walks over to sit on the floor next to Noel's rapidly tangling yarn.
"You don't have to say you're sorry. I-- I came here as an inmate. I didn't get a choice either. I know what it's like, for everything you believed about the world to get... broken. Anyone who gets impatient with you for being... for needing space to think can go fuck themselves."
no subject
Noel's silent for a moment, nodding, in part because that seems uh pretty fucked up to do to a boy (he can't remember the last time a kid got more than a warning in his tiny village, and if they did get picked up they wouldn't get put in the Total Perspective Vortex about it), and because he's trying to decide if it's condescending to say so. He might be overthinking it. Getting knocked for six by the reveal of infinite universes makes a guy doubt himself sometimes.
Anyway, he tests and discards about five different versions of 'you're handling it well' or 'that's rough buddy' before going with:
"Thanks. I, uh..."
If all else fails, say something you're sure about:
"Don't worry too much about Charlie hatin' you. I don't know what all happened between you, but I know him, I-I've known him pretty much since we were born, and I don't think I ever seen him really truly hate someone." It's part of why Noel loves him. It's in his voice that it makes Noel love him. "You seem like a good kid. He's an understanding guy, he'll come around."
no subject
"I could explain, but I don't think it would help you relax."
no subject
It's probably cowardly of him, but. There's only so much stress the kittens can absorb, you know?
And he can't imagine it was bad. Well, okay, he can imagine bad, but he can't imagine intentional. Not if the boy was immediately willing to back off and respect Charlie's boundary. He wonders if he should dislike the kid for clearly hurting Charlie in some way, and knows he could do it if he tried, but -- why try? He already seems to regret it, and that's the way kids learn.
He is pissed off, a bit, but that's what the kittens are for.
"Were- were you friendly before, though?"
no subject
He squints, trying to figure out how to put it without saying something that would upset a human who's never dealt with nonhuman things.
"The best I can explain, without explaining, is that... my... father hurt him, badly, for a long time. And when he sees me, he sees the person who hurt him."
no subject
Noel's first thought is that no, Charlie of all people knows that you aren't your father, but. There's an important phrase there, and it's the best I can explain. This isn't really about anyone's father.
"This, uh." Hesitant. It still feels kind of insane to say. "Somethin' to do with time not lining up exactly right?"
no subject
"Yes." A pause, and he weighs the extra things he could say. "I'm a warden now, but I came here as an inmate, because... I was someone worth hating. I don't remember it, there are reasons I don't, but it still happened. What happened to Charlie, I'm still responsible for it, even if it feels like someone else's fault. I don't want him to hate me. I don't like it, but-- I was someone worth hating."
no subject
It takes Noel a great many seconds to find good words, and he's aware that they probably aren't very comfortable seconds for the kid, but he's... honestly not even sure how he feels about this. What he's taking from the vague shape of the explanation is that maybe the boy will grow up -- or would have grown up -- to do something really awful to Charlie, or something like that in some order, and so sharp protective indignation is struggling against... other things. An attempt to be level-headed.
He's still perceiving Edwin as a child, though, and it makes him gentler.
"I guess I can't... say anythin' about it on his behalf," he starts, awkwardly. Please don't read a few tags back in the conversation thank you.
"If you don't mind me sayin', though -- even if you were a real grade A prick, you- you don't wanna keep repeating it to yourself. Trust me, I used to uh." An embarrassed, apologetic shrug. "Yell at people, run around causin' trouble. I still ain't proud of it. But it wasn't thinkin' about how bad I was that helped, that- that just made me think I couldn't be anything else. What helps is thinkin' about... who you want to be. And why."
no subject
"What if-- What if it's to remind me what I don't want to be? What I know is wrong?"
no subject
"Well, uh... there's rememberin' it for that reason, and then there's rememberin' it to hurt yourself. It's figuring out which kind of remembering you're doing that's the, the trick." And he realises he's assuming a lot about a kid he doesn't know, and adds: "Maybe you already got that fact figured out, I- I dunno."
no subject
no subject
He gives the boy an encouraging smile, a warm one, while he fiddles with his own section of the yarn.
no subject
"I... It's so-- It's so complicated all the time. Being... accountable and remembering what I used to be and remembering what he did, but not... not hating myself for things he did and remembering that I'm me because I didn't want to be him, that I chose to be something different, and also not forgetting the things I did wrong figuring that out, because I don't want to do them again."