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[howtheyshine]

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[abrightboy]

Has that actually happened to you here?

[howtheyshine]

No. Not really.

[abrightboy]

You’re lucky. It still happens to me sometimes. But for the first time, I have at least three people in my life that won’t reject me. No matter what. And that’s what I think about when the other thing happens and it’s getting me down. Who are you closest to?

[howtheyshine]

John... Jedao... Hunter... [He thought maybe he could be close with Collins, but not any more. He wants to be close to Arthur but he's afraid to be at the same time, like if Arthur gets too close he'll decide he was right about Yellow the first time, even though that first time never happened for him.]

[abrightboy]

Pick one of them to talk to about this fear specifically. See what they say.

[howtheyshine]

[Confused:]

Why?

[abrightboy]

I think they’ll allay the fear and you’ll be able to move past it.

[howtheyshine]

But why them?

[abrightboy]

Because they’re the ones that it matters whether they accept you.

[howtheyshine]

But they're not the ones I'm worried about, as much.

[abrightboy]

Then you’re ahead of me. Good job. Those are the ones I’ve typically worried about.

So who are you worried about?

[howtheyshine]

[His tone isn't sullen, exactly, but it is muted and muttered and very much a kid answering a question not because he wants to but because he assumes he has to.]

Zerxus. Jamie. Astarion, he's my brother's inmate. [A pause, then more reluctantly:] Arthur.

[abrightboy]

…Arthur? I know his default is just… kind of being a jerk, but I think he likes you a lot more than you realize and is just bad at conveying that.

[howtheyshine]

He's not a jerk! [DEFENSIVE.....] This one isn't a jerk. ...Mostly. He's... kind. To me. I don't want him to decide not to be.

[abrightboy]

Why are you worried he would more than the others you mentioned?

[howtheyshine]

Because... [He doesn't know what Malcolm knows about John and Arthur and Yellow himself. Edwin himself. Himself.] Because. He loves John. I'm the same as John. If he doesn't love me it's my fault.

[abrightboy]

Well… you’re not the same as John, first of all. You were very clear about that the first day we met, and I’ve since found that to be correct. You know, lots of humans have more than one human friend that they love dearly. I think it’s just as valid to have more than one beloved floaty bits of the King in Yellow friend.

[howtheyshine]

Maybe I'm different, but I'm not not the same. [Grumblemutter, embarrassed and contrary and... maybe he wants to be like John now a little okay. A LITTLE. A lot.]

But that's still not the... point. John loves Arthur, and he wouldn't love Arthur if he wasn't a good person. So if Arthur doesn't care as much about me-- [He stops, not sure how to explain the calculus behind his conclusions.]

[abrightboy]

Did Arthur always love John that much? From the moment they joined?

[howtheyshine]

No. [Wary, though, because he's noticed there are two kinds of questions that people ask: questions that they want answers to, and questions they think they know the answers to. And sometimes when it's the latter it's because other-Arthur wanted people want to make fun of him.]

[abrightboy]

Well, it sounds like he needed time to get to know him before he loved him. So he probably needs time to get to know you, too. But he can’t do it if you avoid him.

[howtheyshine]

But... He's scared of me.

[abrightboy]

Is he scared of you or is he scared of hurting you again?

[howtheyshine]

[A pause.]

...Oh.

[abrightboy]

I think he really wants to be your friend, too, for what it's worth.