He takes his time, thinking about it, trying to ignore the way Jedao's body seems to ache in a new lethargic way. His relief over being able to see and feel was too big for him to notice or pay attention to the tiredness before. But it also doesn't feel like Jedao's tiredness. It feels like tiredness that Edwin brought to the bones he doesn't have.
[ I don't like how I feel when someone is cruel or rude to me. So...]
Empathy baby steps.
[ I guess the the idea of making someone else feel like that isn't... good. I don't want that. ]
That's really good, Edwin, Jedao tells him, with quiet pride. Even if it's baby steps, it matters.
Even if we mess up sometimes, thinking about how other people feel is a big step for being the best versions of ourselves. Do you feel like you understand why Hunter is upset, or is that part still confusing?
That's probably a big part of it, yeah. It feels bad when someone hurts something you were responsible for, something you wanted to protect. Like if someone came in here and smashed some of your plants, you'd be really mad, I think. And you'd have the right to be mad.
Not just obligations, but choosing to care about them.
The thought of someone smashing his plants is upsetting, powerfully enough that it startles him. It's like a bunch of miniature versions of all the feelings he had when he found out about Collins breaking John, as he thinks about how it would feel for his prayer plant or monstera or jade or one of his half-dozen crab apple seedlings to be killed.
Yeah, Jedao agrees quietly. It's sad, rather than censorious - he thinks of the Isteia mothlings, who weren't his to protect at all, except that Revenant asked it of him, and Jedao had tried. And failed.
You had a reason to be mad at Chase, but he didn't do anything to deserve being attacked, any more than the plants would.
All at once it makes so much more sense. The problem with killing things when he's upset. Even here, where death isn't death, John getting broken still hurt worse than anything he'd felt before that he can remember. Even if Chase comes back just fine, the people who matter to him will still hurt from the dying in ways that heal infuriatingly slowly.
[...I think I should probably say I'm sorry to him. Chase Collins.]
I think that would be a good thing to do, Jedao agrees, and he's not happy when Edwin is feeling so miserable, but he's proud of him anyway, for understanding, for taking the next step.
I don't know if Chase will appreciate it or not, but I think Hunter will.
Jedao gives him a soft pulse of affection, a little careful squeeze of warm pride for Edwin thinking about it from someone else's point of view.
We can't control other people's reactions. We can only control what we choose to do. Will you appreciate it?
I mean - that you've realized something you think you should do. You can chose to do it, even though it might not fix everything, or you can not do it. Which one of those people do you want to be?
There's a silence. The rebellious, angry, frightened part of him says he'll be the one who doesn't give a shit, thanks.
But he doesn't like the things that come along with not giving a shit. He doesn't like the thought of Hunter being mad at him still, or staying mad if he doesn't apologize properly.
[...I don't know if I'll appreciate it. But I think I want to do it anyway.]
Well, it could be emotional, like listening to you practice your words, or just promising to be there with you afterwards, if it doesn't go great and you still feel upset. Or it could be logistical, like I could ask Chase for you if he'd rather here you on the communicator or meet somewhere.
I don't know how you want or - plan to do it. But I'll help if you want me to. That's all. Maybe it's just good knowing someone is on your side.
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[ I don't like how I feel when someone is cruel or rude to me. So...]
Empathy baby steps.
[ I guess the the idea of making someone else feel like that isn't... good. I don't want that. ]
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Even if we mess up sometimes, thinking about how other people feel is a big step for being the best versions of ourselves. Do you feel like you understand why Hunter is upset, or is that part still confusing?
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Not just obligations, but choosing to care about them.
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[...Oh. That would be terrible.]
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You had a reason to be mad at Chase, but he didn't do anything to deserve being attacked, any more than the plants would.
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[...I think I should probably say I'm sorry to him. Chase Collins.]
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I don't know if Chase will appreciate it or not, but I think Hunter will.
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It's grumbled, a combo admission-complaint.
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We can't control other people's reactions. We can only control what we choose to do. Will you appreciate it?
I mean - that you've realized something you think you should do. You can chose to do it, even though it might not fix everything, or you can not do it. Which one of those people do you want to be?
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But he doesn't like the things that come along with not giving a shit. He doesn't like the thought of Hunter being mad at him still, or staying mad if he doesn't apologize properly.
[...I don't know if I'll appreciate it. But I think I want to do it anyway.]
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[Like what?]
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I don't know how you want or - plan to do it. But I'll help if you want me to. That's all. Maybe it's just good knowing someone is on your side.
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