I know. But I still wish I could have helped. You're still important to me, even when I'm having a bad time, he explains, not feeling fully guilty, so much as just a little wistfully sad about it, wishing he could have been better for Edwin. Then he takes a deep breath and lets that go.
But what's done is done. Who did you end up going after, if not Collins?
His reluctance coils through their connection, the nerves, the fear of what he talked to Malcolm about--that he'll do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, be the wrong thing enough for his most important people to hate him.
[ He was the only other one I had a reason to hurt. ]
If you don't want to talk about it, we can switch to the poetry, Jedao tells him gently, picking up on Edwin's hesitation. I like knowing what's going on with you, so I can be sure I'm taking care of you, that's all.
Jedao lets the warm sweetness of that truth fill him up for a few moments, reassuring and sure. He loves Edwin, chaos and all. He's not even mad at anyone anymore, except for Collins. Sure, he doesn't want Edwin to lash out and hurt people, but he figures Edwin has already had plenty of consequences, and doesn't need anyone to make him feel worse about it. And no matter what, he's Jedao's baby. Jedao doesn't think it in so many words, but he lets the feeling linger.
A pause, a brief restlessness, but slowly Edwin settles into the comforting warmth of Jedao's emotions. There's also a little spark of confidence, validation, knowing he's still right to trust Jedao like he does. That he hasn't failed too badly to fix things. He can do better still.
[ I picked him... because he was the only one I was angry enough with besides Collins. Because he took Hunter.]
A pause, then: [ Hunter is upset with me. How do I fix it? ]
Do you want to fix Hunter being upset with you, or do you want to fix Hunter being upset? Jedao asks, gently again, more a prompt to think about the fact that there might be a difference than anything else.
His honestly is weirdly, delightfully refreshing; he's self-centered because his self is more than enough to worry about figuring out so far. Jedao laughs, very softly, and tries to convey an internal hug. Edwin is so young, and he's trying, and Jedao loves him.
Okay. I know Hunter is really important to you. And we are going to fix it. It's probably going to take some time, and some hard thinking through things. But we will, okay? You're still important to Hunter too, even though he's upset with you. It's normal, to sometimes be upset with someone but still love them.
He lays out those starting ideas. A human child growing up with parents and siblings would know that, and Jedao at least had the idea of it, long before he had any relationships to put theory into practice. But there's no reason Edwin would know that.
He loves Jedao. The answer is comforting, the way it's offered makes him feel safe. All at once it's unimaginable that Jedao would ever hurt him, the insecurity of moments ago dusted away until loneliness has a chance to settle in again.
[ John says Arthur can be a jerk sometimes. ] It's the best example he can think of, when it comes to people being upset with someone and still loving them. He believes John. He knows Arthur can be a jerk. But he's also never heard John say anything bad about Arthur that's bad in the ways he's familiar with. A jerk, Edwin understands that. But he knows the other Arthur did in the pits. A jerk doesn't come close to what the Arthur he met was. So whatever this one has done, it can't be as bad.
He takes his time, thinking about it, trying to ignore the way Jedao's body seems to ache in a new lethargic way. His relief over being able to see and feel was too big for him to notice or pay attention to the tiredness before. But it also doesn't feel like Jedao's tiredness. It feels like tiredness that Edwin brought to the bones he doesn't have.
[ I don't like how I feel when someone is cruel or rude to me. So...]
Empathy baby steps.
[ I guess the the idea of making someone else feel like that isn't... good. I don't want that. ]
That's really good, Edwin, Jedao tells him, with quiet pride. Even if it's baby steps, it matters.
Even if we mess up sometimes, thinking about how other people feel is a big step for being the best versions of ourselves. Do you feel like you understand why Hunter is upset, or is that part still confusing?
That's probably a big part of it, yeah. It feels bad when someone hurts something you were responsible for, something you wanted to protect. Like if someone came in here and smashed some of your plants, you'd be really mad, I think. And you'd have the right to be mad.
Not just obligations, but choosing to care about them.
The thought of someone smashing his plants is upsetting, powerfully enough that it startles him. It's like a bunch of miniature versions of all the feelings he had when he found out about Collins breaking John, as he thinks about how it would feel for his prayer plant or monstera or jade or one of his half-dozen crab apple seedlings to be killed.
Yeah, Jedao agrees quietly. It's sad, rather than censorious - he thinks of the Isteia mothlings, who weren't his to protect at all, except that Revenant asked it of him, and Jedao had tried. And failed.
You had a reason to be mad at Chase, but he didn't do anything to deserve being attacked, any more than the plants would.
All at once it makes so much more sense. The problem with killing things when he's upset. Even here, where death isn't death, John getting broken still hurt worse than anything he'd felt before that he can remember. Even if Chase comes back just fine, the people who matter to him will still hurt from the dying in ways that heal infuriatingly slowly.
[...I think I should probably say I'm sorry to him. Chase Collins.]
I think that would be a good thing to do, Jedao agrees, and he's not happy when Edwin is feeling so miserable, but he's proud of him anyway, for understanding, for taking the next step.
I don't know if Chase will appreciate it or not, but I think Hunter will.
Jedao gives him a soft pulse of affection, a little careful squeeze of warm pride for Edwin thinking about it from someone else's point of view.
We can't control other people's reactions. We can only control what we choose to do. Will you appreciate it?
I mean - that you've realized something you think you should do. You can chose to do it, even though it might not fix everything, or you can not do it. Which one of those people do you want to be?
There's a silence. The rebellious, angry, frightened part of him says he'll be the one who doesn't give a shit, thanks.
But he doesn't like the things that come along with not giving a shit. He doesn't like the thought of Hunter being mad at him still, or staying mad if he doesn't apologize properly.
[...I don't know if I'll appreciate it. But I think I want to do it anyway.]
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[ You didn't do anything wrong. You were having a bad time too. ]
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But what's done is done. Who did you end up going after, if not Collins?
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Maybe, partly, just because he was there.
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[ He was the only other one I had a reason to hurt. ]
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Jedao lets the warm sweetness of that truth fill him up for a few moments, reassuring and sure. He loves Edwin, chaos and all. He's not even mad at anyone anymore, except for Collins. Sure, he doesn't want Edwin to lash out and hurt people, but he figures Edwin has already had plenty of consequences, and doesn't need anyone to make him feel worse about it. And no matter what, he's Jedao's baby. Jedao doesn't think it in so many words, but he lets the feeling linger.
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[ I picked him... because he was the only one I was angry enough with besides Collins. Because he took Hunter.]
A pause, then: [ Hunter is upset with me. How do I fix it? ]
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[ With me. ]
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Okay. I know Hunter is really important to you. And we are going to fix it. It's probably going to take some time, and some hard thinking through things. But we will, okay? You're still important to Hunter too, even though he's upset with you. It's normal, to sometimes be upset with someone but still love them.
He lays out those starting ideas. A human child growing up with parents and siblings would know that, and Jedao at least had the idea of it, long before he had any relationships to put theory into practice. But there's no reason Edwin would know that.
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[ John says Arthur can be a jerk sometimes. ] It's the best example he can think of, when it comes to people being upset with someone and still loving them. He believes John. He knows Arthur can be a jerk. But he's also never heard John say anything bad about Arthur that's bad in the ways he's familiar with. A jerk, Edwin understands that. But he knows the other Arthur did in the pits. A jerk doesn't come close to what the Arthur he met was. So whatever this one has done, it can't be as bad.
[ ...But I don't want to be a jerk ]
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[ I don't like how I feel when someone is cruel or rude to me. So...]
Empathy baby steps.
[ I guess the the idea of making someone else feel like that isn't... good. I don't want that. ]
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Even if we mess up sometimes, thinking about how other people feel is a big step for being the best versions of ourselves. Do you feel like you understand why Hunter is upset, or is that part still confusing?
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Not just obligations, but choosing to care about them.
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[...Oh. That would be terrible.]
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You had a reason to be mad at Chase, but he didn't do anything to deserve being attacked, any more than the plants would.
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[...I think I should probably say I'm sorry to him. Chase Collins.]
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I don't know if Chase will appreciate it or not, but I think Hunter will.
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It's grumbled, a combo admission-complaint.
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We can't control other people's reactions. We can only control what we choose to do. Will you appreciate it?
I mean - that you've realized something you think you should do. You can chose to do it, even though it might not fix everything, or you can not do it. Which one of those people do you want to be?
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But he doesn't like the things that come along with not giving a shit. He doesn't like the thought of Hunter being mad at him still, or staying mad if he doesn't apologize properly.
[...I don't know if I'll appreciate it. But I think I want to do it anyway.]
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[Like what?]
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