He's going to lift that furry tentacle up and kiss it. And he's going to keep looking at Edwin, the molten gold of his eyes nothing but warmth and affection. There are times like this, where he's doing his very very best to be gentle, that feel... true. Right. When he feels like he's clicking into place in something he doesn't even remember. Empathizing, listening, loving-
Part of what had been so terrible in the Dark World had been the denial of those things, the memory of turning his back on them even if he hadn't this time, living like that... and the time with Kayne, when he'd been forced to do that very thing.
There's no such thing as living a life like this without it being scary. When people matter, the idea that they might be mad at you or that something might happen to them is always going to come up, because having them in your life and knowing that you make them happy are so important.
But when you change yourself because of that fear, you're not letting them have you in their life. Not the real you. Not you with all the facets you hold and all the special things that are just yours in their life. There's always going to be a barrier between you and them because you aren't trusting them with who you really are and what you really think. And sometimes upsetting them is important for taking care of them!
He's going to kiss him again.
You know that I talked to a few people about how I was feeling after we talked? I did. And I found a way to tell Arthur how beat up I was feeling without telling him the worst of it. I told him what I could, though. And I feel much better.
He tilts his head with a wry smile.
Part of that talk was a fight, because he started pushing me away. But I yelled at him and he yelled at me and we were both angry. But we had to yell at each other to get through what was between us so we could be with each other for real.
He breathes out slow and rubs a little circle in the fur.
It's scary. I'll never say it's not scary. But some things are worth scary things. Some people are worth it. Not everyone; some people are assholes. But the ones you feel safest with. Those people are a good place to start.
You did? He's startled that John talked to people, relieved and glad he talked to Arthur, even if they did fight since it sounds like it ended all right.
But that's just it, isn't it: it ended all right. It ended all right.
Something soft and vicious and Arthur-coded British hisses: It ended all right because it was John.
To John, Edwin says, But... But what happens when they decide you're-- What happens when they find someone better than you are?
And I want to help him too, because I know how he probably feels. But I love you for you.
Who you are isn't just an accident of timelines. It's who you choose to be, you individually, and I love that person. I'm lucky this place gave me the chance to know him. To know you.
He's made the same way I was. We're even more the same.
He's not arguing, not exactly. He's... offering counterpoints for John to refute. Each reassurance does make him feel a little better, settling his nerves in tiny pieces.
He closes his eyes, the last of his tension from all of this easing away for now. The idea that he doesn't have to regulate the things he says as closely as possible is still anxiety-inducing and uncomfortable, but for now, he's okay. He has John.
"I'll start with ukelele. So I can focus on learning to read the music and everything properly."
"Yes," he says, soft-voiced, or as much so as they ever get.
He sits up enough to rest his head against John. There's an edge of resolution in his tone. "I want to be better so if I meet him, I can help him too. So it's not just you."
"I don't know," he admits. "I would assume you went back to the Dark World. Or that Kayne allowed you to return to the Dreamlands. I can't think of anywhere else you might go."
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Part of what had been so terrible in the Dark World had been the denial of those things, the memory of turning his back on them even if he hadn't this time, living like that... and the time with Kayne, when he'd been forced to do that very thing.
There's no such thing as living a life like this without it being scary. When people matter, the idea that they might be mad at you or that something might happen to them is always going to come up, because having them in your life and knowing that you make them happy are so important.
But when you change yourself because of that fear, you're not letting them have you in their life. Not the real you. Not you with all the facets you hold and all the special things that are just yours in their life. There's always going to be a barrier between you and them because you aren't trusting them with who you really are and what you really think. And sometimes upsetting them is important for taking care of them!
He's going to kiss him again.
You know that I talked to a few people about how I was feeling after we talked? I did. And I found a way to tell Arthur how beat up I was feeling without telling him the worst of it. I told him what I could, though. And I feel much better.
He tilts his head with a wry smile.
Part of that talk was a fight, because he started pushing me away. But I yelled at him and he yelled at me and we were both angry. But we had to yell at each other to get through what was between us so we could be with each other for real.
He breathes out slow and rubs a little circle in the fur.
It's scary. I'll never say it's not scary. But some things are worth scary things. Some people are worth it. Not everyone; some people are assholes. But the ones you feel safest with. Those people are a good place to start.
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But that's just it, isn't it: it ended all right. It ended all right.
Something soft and vicious and
Arthur-codedBritish hisses: It ended all right because it was John.To John, Edwin says, But... But what happens when they decide you're-- What happens when they find someone better than you are?
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Have you ever found someone to be 'better' so you dropped them to be friends with someone else?
Or do people you care about all have different places in your life and you cherish every one?
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He's getting another kiss.
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It's the most roundabout possible way for him to confess that particular fear, but he got there.
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So it's not really 'more than one of you'.
You're special and unique.
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How many times is he going to say that to John during this conversation?
But... he's the one you share a world with now.
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Who you are isn't just an accident of timelines. It's who you choose to be, you individually, and I love that person. I'm lucky this place gave me the chance to know him. To know you.
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He's not arguing, not exactly. He's... offering counterpoints for John to refute. Each reassurance does make him feel a little better, settling his nerves in tiny pieces.
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"I wonder what he'll be like."
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Kitty ears must be scritched.
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"I'll start with ukelele. So I can focus on learning to read the music and everything properly."
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He looks down at Edwin.
"...feel better?"
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He sits up enough to rest his head against John. There's an edge of resolution in his tone. "I want to be better so if I meet him, I can help him too. So it's not just you."
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"Hopefully, it won't be something we have to deal with for a while."
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"What do you think happened to me, to both of me, or me and him, when you came back?"
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"Kayne doesn't seem like the kind of person to let anyone have what they want without them paying for it."
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