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[howtheyshine]

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[howtheyshine]

[He doesn't know. He doesn't know, he doesn't want to think about it, and he isn't going to answer.]

[greatoldjohn]

[ He'll wait for a long time before he says very very gently:]

I know you can graduate. And I know you need to heal.

I don't think you feel better. I'll listen if I'm wrong but I don't think hurting people really helps even if it makes you feel like you can do something, like shut someone up.

When I was struggling with Arthur, I'd make him angry at me so that he would be an asshole to me so I'd feel better when I was an asshole at him. He was the person I could hurt, the one I could effect, so I did.

But I regret it.

[howtheyshine]

[There's a long, long silence before he replies.]

I haven't spent a single day that I remember free.

Not one.

But people like Richter who hate me for no reason get to be wardens in this stupid fucking place.

What's the point.

[greatoldjohn]

[ There is a looong pause. Consternation. Mostly because he's not sure How to tackle the complete...

Ahem. ]

"No reason"?

Edwin.

That's bullshit and you know it.

Your feelings of powerlessness do not erase the harm you can do or the harm that you have done to people.

[howtheyshine]

Fuck off.

[greatoldjohn]

No.

Because I know you're better than this.

[howtheyshine]

What the fuck do you want from me?

[greatoldjohn]

I want to know what's hurting my brother and I want to make him feel better.

I want him to let me help him.

I want him to know I love him and I know he's having a rough time and I want to know how to help him through it.

I just don't think this is it. I think that eventually, you will regret and it will hurt you and I don't know what to do.

[howtheyshine]

And if I don't regret it? If I never do?

[greatoldjohn]

I'll still love you.

I'll be sad, because I think you'll miss out on things, but I'll still love you.

[howtheyshine]

Why?

[greatoldjohn]

Why do you love me?

[howtheyshine]

That's different and you know it.

[greatoldjohn]

It's not.

I wish you knew that.

[howtheyshine]

[He doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. Again.]

[greatoldjohn]

Whatever the reasons you have are, mine are probably very similar.

And just as hard to define.

[howtheyshine]

Everything inside is a fucking mess.

I hurt. All the time. The places that burned when I used them for Larson.

I hate--

I hate everything. I hate everything.

[greatoldjohn]

[ There's no answer, just a change in the connection, a slow feed of warmth and light and affection that starts to fill the connection between them. With it comes a strange tonal music that might make something inside of him ease, just a little.]

I love you.

[howtheyshine]

[He almost resists. Fights the comfort, pushes back. There is, for a half a second, the sense that he might.

But he doesn't. He doesn't relax, but he doesn't resist.]

I love you too. I love you.

I love Jedao. I love Arthur. I love Hunter and Flapjack. I... I...

[greatoldjohn]

[ John doesn't say anything else. He's just going to keep loving him. Let him talk. ]

[howtheyshine]

[There's a few more half-formed syllables, then:]

I don't know what's happening to me.

I don't know how to stop it.

[greatoldjohn]

Do you want me to come to you?
Do you want me to call Hunter? Or Jedao?

[howtheyshine]

P... Please. Come?

[He's at least in his own cabin now, time out blobby and all.]

[greatoldjohn]

[ There's a knock on the door within five minutes. ]

[howtheyshine]

It's a little harder to open it when he can't just pop out of the blobby to reach, but Hunter already helped with a stopgap there--a stool, just to one side of the door. So that is where the little fox-that-is-Edwin is sitting when he pushes the door open enough to invite John in.