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[howtheyshine]

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[howtheyshine]

...Yes. [Mumbled, because there's a part of him that's pretty sure he's walking himself into some kind of social trap.]

[abrightboy]

That's a good start. Is there anyone here that maybe you want to know better but you're not sure how to approach them?

[howtheyshine]

[So many. He wants to know Jedao better, and Hunter, and even Roman. Zerxus, Envy, Astarion, Jamie. The man who killed Collins--Silver. A half-dozen others he's seen or spoken to.

Arthur. There's so much about the man that, even with their truce, even with the partial story of the Dreamlands, is a giant blank as far as Yedwin's knowledge of him is concerned. His knowledge of most people except John is a cavernous unknown full of land mines he could touch without realizing. The precedent is there, still, undermined a little more with every relationship that doesn't explode when he steps wrong or doesn't know something. But starting them is terrifying when he's not either too angry or too curious to be scared.]


...........Yes.

[abrightboy]

How does the idea of talking to them make you feel?

[howtheyshine]

[An uncertain pause, and an uncertain noise, but he answers, because answering questions is all but habit at this point. Particularly about feelings and what he thinks they are.]

Sad. Nervous. [A pause as he tries to be specific. He remembers a poem instead.]

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?

[abrightboy]

You’re afraid they’ll reject you if you aren’t the way they think you should be.

[howtheyshine]

[ONE HIT K.O.

Give him a second pls.]

[abrightboy]

……………………Edwin?

[howtheyshine]

Yes.

[abrightboy]

Has that actually happened to you here?

[howtheyshine]

No. Not really.

[abrightboy]

You’re lucky. It still happens to me sometimes. But for the first time, I have at least three people in my life that won’t reject me. No matter what. And that’s what I think about when the other thing happens and it’s getting me down. Who are you closest to?

[howtheyshine]

John... Jedao... Hunter... [He thought maybe he could be close with Collins, but not any more. He wants to be close to Arthur but he's afraid to be at the same time, like if Arthur gets too close he'll decide he was right about Yellow the first time, even though that first time never happened for him.]

[abrightboy]

Pick one of them to talk to about this fear specifically. See what they say.

[howtheyshine]

[Confused:]

Why?

[abrightboy]

I think they’ll allay the fear and you’ll be able to move past it.

[howtheyshine]

But why them?

[abrightboy]

Because they’re the ones that it matters whether they accept you.

[howtheyshine]

But they're not the ones I'm worried about, as much.

[abrightboy]

Then you’re ahead of me. Good job. Those are the ones I’ve typically worried about.

So who are you worried about?

[howtheyshine]

[His tone isn't sullen, exactly, but it is muted and muttered and very much a kid answering a question not because he wants to but because he assumes he has to.]

Zerxus. Jamie. Astarion, he's my brother's inmate. [A pause, then more reluctantly:] Arthur.

[abrightboy]

…Arthur? I know his default is just… kind of being a jerk, but I think he likes you a lot more than you realize and is just bad at conveying that.

[howtheyshine]

He's not a jerk! [DEFENSIVE.....] This one isn't a jerk. ...Mostly. He's... kind. To me. I don't want him to decide not to be.

[abrightboy]

Why are you worried he would more than the others you mentioned?

[howtheyshine]

Because... [He doesn't know what Malcolm knows about John and Arthur and Yellow himself. Edwin himself. Himself.] Because. He loves John. I'm the same as John. If he doesn't love me it's my fault.