If you can't get out of a fight at all, anyway. Belated responsibility, but also a flicker of genuine nervousness: there are a lot of people here with powers, and joint fuckery isn't always going to be enough to keep Edwin safe.
There's a sudden quiet from Edwin. Hesitation, reluctance--but notably, no uncertainty. He knew when he did it that people would be unhappy about it. It's the thing that made him almost, almost not do it.
A defensive grumble that does absolutely nothing to hide the shared guilt: [ ...Because I wanted to. ]
I want to understand why you wanted to, Jedao tells him, and there's no stirring of additional anger - or even, really, disapproval or disappointment. There are some people on the barge Jedao would also like to kill, and if he doesn't do it, it's only because there are other things that matter to him more.
Some of those things are specific moral convictions, but it's not like Edwin isn't trying to figure out what his values are. Jedao trusts the process. So his emotions are calm, and a little rueful, and still full of the same warm, protective love as before.
But you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I'll still be here with you, either way.
It's reassuring. As reassuring as being able to see, as comforting as the feel of soft warm damp dirt. He still sounds sullen, but at least not defensive. Baby steps.
[ Because someone else killed the person I was going to kill first, before I could. ]
It sounds like you had a lot of big feelings to deal with, Jedao observes, by which he mostly means, it sounds like Jedao is wandering in in the middle of the story.
The beginning. The beginning-beginning was probably...
[ I got Hunter for my temporary warden. I liked him. But they change quickly, and we were in that circus, and I barely got to have him for my warden at all. Then he got someone else, and I was going to hurt his new inmate but Roman helped me... calm down. But then Collins said horrible things to me and to John, and he broke John, and I... I was going to kill him. Hurt him. Make a trap. I didn't have time. Someone else killed him first. So I... got angry. ]
No one told Jedao about John. The flare of grief and anger and love and worry comes fast and hot and strong, and mentally he clings to Yellow, as though he could protect him from Jedao's own hammering heart by covering him well enough. He imagines holding him tight as he takes a deep breath, and lets that flare recede.
I didn't know. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, he says, and he means it very profoundly. He understands why Yellow would be in a killing mood over it.
I know. But I still wish I could have helped. You're still important to me, even when I'm having a bad time, he explains, not feeling fully guilty, so much as just a little wistfully sad about it, wishing he could have been better for Edwin. Then he takes a deep breath and lets that go.
But what's done is done. Who did you end up going after, if not Collins?
His reluctance coils through their connection, the nerves, the fear of what he talked to Malcolm about--that he'll do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, be the wrong thing enough for his most important people to hate him.
[ He was the only other one I had a reason to hurt. ]
If you don't want to talk about it, we can switch to the poetry, Jedao tells him gently, picking up on Edwin's hesitation. I like knowing what's going on with you, so I can be sure I'm taking care of you, that's all.
Jedao lets the warm sweetness of that truth fill him up for a few moments, reassuring and sure. He loves Edwin, chaos and all. He's not even mad at anyone anymore, except for Collins. Sure, he doesn't want Edwin to lash out and hurt people, but he figures Edwin has already had plenty of consequences, and doesn't need anyone to make him feel worse about it. And no matter what, he's Jedao's baby. Jedao doesn't think it in so many words, but he lets the feeling linger.
A pause, a brief restlessness, but slowly Edwin settles into the comforting warmth of Jedao's emotions. There's also a little spark of confidence, validation, knowing he's still right to trust Jedao like he does. That he hasn't failed too badly to fix things. He can do better still.
[ I picked him... because he was the only one I was angry enough with besides Collins. Because he took Hunter.]
A pause, then: [ Hunter is upset with me. How do I fix it? ]
Do you want to fix Hunter being upset with you, or do you want to fix Hunter being upset? Jedao asks, gently again, more a prompt to think about the fact that there might be a difference than anything else.
His honestly is weirdly, delightfully refreshing; he's self-centered because his self is more than enough to worry about figuring out so far. Jedao laughs, very softly, and tries to convey an internal hug. Edwin is so young, and he's trying, and Jedao loves him.
Okay. I know Hunter is really important to you. And we are going to fix it. It's probably going to take some time, and some hard thinking through things. But we will, okay? You're still important to Hunter too, even though he's upset with you. It's normal, to sometimes be upset with someone but still love them.
He lays out those starting ideas. A human child growing up with parents and siblings would know that, and Jedao at least had the idea of it, long before he had any relationships to put theory into practice. But there's no reason Edwin would know that.
He loves Jedao. The answer is comforting, the way it's offered makes him feel safe. All at once it's unimaginable that Jedao would ever hurt him, the insecurity of moments ago dusted away until loneliness has a chance to settle in again.
[ John says Arthur can be a jerk sometimes. ] It's the best example he can think of, when it comes to people being upset with someone and still loving them. He believes John. He knows Arthur can be a jerk. But he's also never heard John say anything bad about Arthur that's bad in the ways he's familiar with. A jerk, Edwin understands that. But he knows the other Arthur did in the pits. A jerk doesn't come close to what the Arthur he met was. So whatever this one has done, it can't be as bad.
He takes his time, thinking about it, trying to ignore the way Jedao's body seems to ache in a new lethargic way. His relief over being able to see and feel was too big for him to notice or pay attention to the tiredness before. But it also doesn't feel like Jedao's tiredness. It feels like tiredness that Edwin brought to the bones he doesn't have.
[ I don't like how I feel when someone is cruel or rude to me. So...]
Empathy baby steps.
[ I guess the the idea of making someone else feel like that isn't... good. I don't want that. ]
That's really good, Edwin, Jedao tells him, with quiet pride. Even if it's baby steps, it matters.
Even if we mess up sometimes, thinking about how other people feel is a big step for being the best versions of ourselves. Do you feel like you understand why Hunter is upset, or is that part still confusing?
That's probably a big part of it, yeah. It feels bad when someone hurts something you were responsible for, something you wanted to protect. Like if someone came in here and smashed some of your plants, you'd be really mad, I think. And you'd have the right to be mad.
Not just obligations, but choosing to care about them.
The thought of someone smashing his plants is upsetting, powerfully enough that it startles him. It's like a bunch of miniature versions of all the feelings he had when he found out about Collins breaking John, as he thinks about how it would feel for his prayer plant or monstera or jade or one of his half-dozen crab apple seedlings to be killed.
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Note to self. Knee tendons. Knee tendons.
[ I should have attacked through the shelves in the library. ]
Still kind of sort of petting one of his begonias.
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Why did you want to attack?
He's not judging. He just wants to know.
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A defensive grumble that does absolutely nothing to hide the shared guilt: [ ...Because I wanted to. ]
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I want to understand why you wanted to, Jedao tells him, and there's no stirring of additional anger - or even, really, disapproval or disappointment. There are some people on the barge Jedao would also like to kill, and if he doesn't do it, it's only because there are other things that matter to him more.
Some of those things are specific moral convictions, but it's not like Edwin isn't trying to figure out what his values are. Jedao trusts the process. So his emotions are calm, and a little rueful, and still full of the same warm, protective love as before.
But you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I'll still be here with you, either way.
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[ Because someone else killed the person I was going to kill first, before I could. ]
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Can you tell me from the beginning>
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The beginning. The beginning-beginning was probably...
[ I got Hunter for my temporary warden. I liked him. But they change quickly, and we were in that circus, and I barely got to have him for my warden at all. Then he got someone else, and I was going to hurt his new inmate but Roman helped me... calm down. But then Collins said horrible things to me and to John, and he broke John, and I... I was going to kill him. Hurt him. Make a trap. I didn't have time. Someone else killed him first. So I... got angry. ]
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No one told Jedao about John. The flare of grief and anger and love and worry comes fast and hot and strong, and mentally he clings to Yellow, as though he could protect him from Jedao's own hammering heart by covering him well enough. He imagines holding him tight as he takes a deep breath, and lets that flare recede.
I didn't know. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, he says, and he means it very profoundly. He understands why Yellow would be in a killing mood over it.
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[ You didn't do anything wrong. You were having a bad time too. ]
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But what's done is done. Who did you end up going after, if not Collins?
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Maybe, partly, just because he was there.
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[ He was the only other one I had a reason to hurt. ]
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Jedao lets the warm sweetness of that truth fill him up for a few moments, reassuring and sure. He loves Edwin, chaos and all. He's not even mad at anyone anymore, except for Collins. Sure, he doesn't want Edwin to lash out and hurt people, but he figures Edwin has already had plenty of consequences, and doesn't need anyone to make him feel worse about it. And no matter what, he's Jedao's baby. Jedao doesn't think it in so many words, but he lets the feeling linger.
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[ I picked him... because he was the only one I was angry enough with besides Collins. Because he took Hunter.]
A pause, then: [ Hunter is upset with me. How do I fix it? ]
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[ With me. ]
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Okay. I know Hunter is really important to you. And we are going to fix it. It's probably going to take some time, and some hard thinking through things. But we will, okay? You're still important to Hunter too, even though he's upset with you. It's normal, to sometimes be upset with someone but still love them.
He lays out those starting ideas. A human child growing up with parents and siblings would know that, and Jedao at least had the idea of it, long before he had any relationships to put theory into practice. But there's no reason Edwin would know that.
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[ John says Arthur can be a jerk sometimes. ] It's the best example he can think of, when it comes to people being upset with someone and still loving them. He believes John. He knows Arthur can be a jerk. But he's also never heard John say anything bad about Arthur that's bad in the ways he's familiar with. A jerk, Edwin understands that. But he knows the other Arthur did in the pits. A jerk doesn't come close to what the Arthur he met was. So whatever this one has done, it can't be as bad.
[ ...But I don't want to be a jerk ]
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[ I don't like how I feel when someone is cruel or rude to me. So...]
Empathy baby steps.
[ I guess the the idea of making someone else feel like that isn't... good. I don't want that. ]
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Even if we mess up sometimes, thinking about how other people feel is a big step for being the best versions of ourselves. Do you feel like you understand why Hunter is upset, or is that part still confusing?
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Not just obligations, but choosing to care about them.
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[...Oh. That would be terrible.]
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