He's not sure how to explain, he's not sure if there is anything to explain. John became John. There's no more room for blamelessness. John is John, so what the King did-- it's all Yellow's now.
"When I was an inmate- so, um. Back home, as well. Emperor Belos was... he was the reason I existed. I was meant to be an extension of his will, to execute his commands without question or hesitation." He fidgets gently with the crown, turning it in his hands. "I was called the Golden Guard."
There's an attentiveness in his silence, curiosity edging its way into his emotional morass. Curiosity at least is... good. It's one that always feels good.
Curiosity is good. It's not fear, and it prompts Hunter to continue. "Ever since I was made, my entire life revolved around doing everything I could to make him happy. To make sure he thought I was... useful enough to keep- existing. But, um."
He settles the crown in his lap but doesn't let go. "We found out that he was lying. My friend Luz and I. And when I tried to- just to ask him about it. He decided that it meant I didn't fit into his plan anymore, at all. So he tried to kill me."
"I guess so," he agrees softly. He doesn't mind the comparison.
"But it also means... I know what it's like when someone really doesn't care, what they do with you after they decide you're wrong. But every time you tell me about how you've hurt someone... you regret it. You don't like that you hurt someone, even if it's just because you got in trouble for it."
He smiles softly, a warm light through his mind. "The King wouldn't care. Belos didn't. But I always did. And so do you."
A wash of shock goes through him. It's unmooring, in a strange way, a way that isn't bad but isn't good either. Hunter is right. He does care. He cares more now than when he killed Chase, cared more when he killed Chase than when he killed Arthur. He cares. He knows the King never would. He's read the file enough times.
He's not sure what to make of the shock, but he keeps talking anyway.
"So I think... being Edwin means. You're making that- you're making a choice. To care. You want things to matter to you. And- sometimes that feels bad, because caring makes you feel worse when you do something that you know would upset them. But it's good, too. It means... you have something to hold onto, when things get hard. That there's things worth living for."
It will be a good thing, once it settles. Once the jolt of distance between who he is--Yellow, Edwin, Undecided--and the careless thing he was stops being such a revelation.
[I want... to be better. I want to really be better. To... I don't want to hurt people. I want to... help.]
"Me too," he says warmly, with a gentle squeeze on the crown, like a hug. "That's why my dad started tutoring me in medicine. It was a way for me to help people."
"Yeah, of course!" His tone is warm, quietly excited, but there's a sudden and aggressive flash of delight through him, excitement at being able to teach Edwin something he knows and cares so much about. "It can be pretty difficult sometimes, there's a lot to learn, but- I think you might enjoy it!"
The delight and excitement lift his spirits, and the lift gets chased immediately by guilt.
[I want to. To help people. To learn how to help them. I-I know I could just... heal them, with the power I used to have. But... I'd like to learn what you care about. And how to when I don't have power.]
He's quiet for just long enough that he's clearly hesitating, but not long enough for Hunter to interject, quite.
Right, he should still technically punish Edwin for this, huh. He's pretty sure that Edwin understands, more and more each time, why killing people is bad, but there should still be a consequence for it.
"...for the next seven days, you're not allowed out of my sight." There's a firmness to the sentence, but it's not cruel, it's just- stating a fact. "You can be in your body if you want, or- in your crown, or in me - or if I can't, you can be with Jedao. But you're not allowed to be alone. And while you're with me, you can learn things. I'll teach you about human anatomy, and we can go to the library to find things for you to read while I'm asleep. Alright?"
It's not really an option, more like- checking if Edwin understands.
[I can-- I can still use my body?] He's startled, relieved, guilty, confused. Confused as much by his guilt and reluctance as he is by Hunter's generosity.
"I'm not going to take your body away from you," he says, his tone almost wary. "I want you to learn things that you can do with your forms, as they are right now, not take them away from you and make things harder. Like I said - I'm not gonna trap you, and that's what not having your body's gonna feel like. Right?"
Hunter gets another little wave of guilt, this time over being surprised that Hunter wouldn't take it away. Of course he wouldn't, he's kind, Yellow-- Edwin already knew that.
[Y-yes. I know, I do, I just--]
He hesitates, trying to figure out how to ask what he wants to in a way that makes sense.
[I... There's... It feels like-- It feels like if I... use it before I'm done... paying for what I did... I'll ruin it. That it will feel bad after that.]
"Well. You don't have to use it," he says calmly. "I'm not going to make you, or force you to use it. But I'm not going to take the option away from you - that's all."
He would feel better if Hunter did, he thinks. If he had to earn it back somehow, if he had to deserve it again. He's not sure how to explain that, though.
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He's not sure how to explain, he's not sure if there is anything to explain. John became John. There's no more room for blamelessness. John is John, so what the King did-- it's all Yellow's now.
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"When I was an inmate- so, um. Back home, as well. Emperor Belos was... he was the reason I existed. I was meant to be an extension of his will, to execute his commands without question or hesitation." He fidgets gently with the crown, turning it in his hands. "I was called the Golden Guard."
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He settles the crown in his lap but doesn't let go. "We found out that he was lying. My friend Luz and I. And when I tried to- just to ask him about it. He decided that it meant I didn't fit into his plan anymore, at all. So he tried to kill me."
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It's still curious, though there's a fresh wash of guilt with it. Hunter is like John, and Yellow is like Belos.
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"But it also means... I know what it's like when someone really doesn't care, what they do with you after they decide you're wrong. But every time you tell me about how you've hurt someone... you regret it. You don't like that you hurt someone, even if it's just because you got in trouble for it."
He smiles softly, a warm light through his mind. "The King wouldn't care. Belos didn't. But I always did. And so do you."
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"So I think... being Edwin means. You're making that- you're making a choice. To care. You want things to matter to you. And- sometimes that feels bad, because caring makes you feel worse when you do something that you know would upset them. But it's good, too. It means... you have something to hold onto, when things get hard. That there's things worth living for."
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[I want... to be better. I want to really be better. To... I don't want to hurt people. I want to... help.]
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[I want to. To help people. To learn how to help them. I-I know I could just... heal them, with the power I used to have. But... I'd like to learn what you care about. And how to when I don't have power.]
He's quiet for just long enough that he's clearly hesitating, but not long enough for Hunter to interject, quite.
[Wh... What happens now?]
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"...for the next seven days, you're not allowed out of my sight." There's a firmness to the sentence, but it's not cruel, it's just- stating a fact. "You can be in your body if you want, or- in your crown, or in me - or if I can't, you can be with Jedao. But you're not allowed to be alone. And while you're with me, you can learn things. I'll teach you about human anatomy, and we can go to the library to find things for you to read while I'm asleep. Alright?"
It's not really an option, more like- checking if Edwin understands.
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"I'm not going to take your body away from you," he says, his tone almost wary. "I want you to learn things that you can do with your forms, as they are right now, not take them away from you and make things harder. Like I said - I'm not gonna trap you, and that's what not having your body's gonna feel like. Right?"
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[Y-yes. I know, I do, I just--]
He hesitates, trying to figure out how to ask what he wants to in a way that makes sense.
[I... There's... It feels like-- It feels like if I... use it before I'm done... paying for what I did... I'll ruin it. That it will feel bad after that.]
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[Okay. I-- Yes, I understand.]