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[howtheyshine]

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[howtheyshine]

I'm so sick of trying and being called a monster, I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of being a fucking-- prisoner under the supervision of people like him.

[greatoldjohn]

So how does killing him make that better?

I want to help. I want you to feel better. I love you.

[howtheyshine]

Maybe he'll shut the fuck up.

[greatoldjohn]

So it's not about him?

[howtheyshine]

I don't know. But if one more person tells me to give slack or patience or some bullshit kindness to people who would never be kind to me or anyone like me, I'll fucking kill them too.

[greatoldjohn]

So because he didn't get it right a few times, you think he'll never be kind to you or anyone like you?

Why do you think that?

[howtheyshine]

How long am I supposed to wait for him to stop treating us like less than animals? When I can't leave, can't tell when I'll graduate if I ever fucking do? How long?

[greatoldjohn]

That's a dodge.

You said he never would. You decided who he is and what he's capable of. You decided he wasn't even worth regret.

I didn't say you had to wait.

I'm asking why you decided what his potential is. Why, if he was an inmate, he'd never graduate. Why he wouldn't even be here because he doesn't have the capacity to be better.

'I don't want to wait for him to pull his head out of his ass' and 'he can't' are two different things. Why did you decide the latter?

[howtheyshine]

[He doesn't know. He doesn't know, he doesn't want to think about it, and he isn't going to answer.]

[greatoldjohn]

[ He'll wait for a long time before he says very very gently:]

I know you can graduate. And I know you need to heal.

I don't think you feel better. I'll listen if I'm wrong but I don't think hurting people really helps even if it makes you feel like you can do something, like shut someone up.

When I was struggling with Arthur, I'd make him angry at me so that he would be an asshole to me so I'd feel better when I was an asshole at him. He was the person I could hurt, the one I could effect, so I did.

But I regret it.

[howtheyshine]

[There's a long, long silence before he replies.]

I haven't spent a single day that I remember free.

Not one.

But people like Richter who hate me for no reason get to be wardens in this stupid fucking place.

What's the point.

[greatoldjohn]

[ There is a looong pause. Consternation. Mostly because he's not sure How to tackle the complete...

Ahem. ]

"No reason"?

Edwin.

That's bullshit and you know it.

Your feelings of powerlessness do not erase the harm you can do or the harm that you have done to people.

[howtheyshine]

Fuck off.

[greatoldjohn]

No.

Because I know you're better than this.

[howtheyshine]

What the fuck do you want from me?

[greatoldjohn]

I want to know what's hurting my brother and I want to make him feel better.

I want him to let me help him.

I want him to know I love him and I know he's having a rough time and I want to know how to help him through it.

I just don't think this is it. I think that eventually, you will regret and it will hurt you and I don't know what to do.

[howtheyshine]

And if I don't regret it? If I never do?

[greatoldjohn]

I'll still love you.

I'll be sad, because I think you'll miss out on things, but I'll still love you.

[howtheyshine]

Why?

[greatoldjohn]

Why do you love me?

[howtheyshine]

That's different and you know it.

[greatoldjohn]

It's not.

I wish you knew that.

[howtheyshine]

[He doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. Again.]

[greatoldjohn]

Whatever the reasons you have are, mine are probably very similar.

And just as hard to define.

[howtheyshine]

Everything inside is a fucking mess.

I hurt. All the time. The places that burned when I used them for Larson.

I hate--

I hate everything. I hate everything.