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[howtheyshine]

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[greatoldjohn]

Poison?

It hurt you to listen?

[howtheyshine]

To hear everything Arthur said at his worst repeated by someone who believes it on an average day?

Yes, brother, it fucking hurt.

[greatoldjohn]

I'm sorry it hurts you. I'm sorry he hurt you.

[howtheyshine]

I'm not sorry I killed him, and I never will be.

[greatoldjohn]

John is very quiet for a long moment.

So killing him is okay? Because he's a monster?

[howtheyshine]

Killing Godric was apparently something to be proud of.

At least I'm not bragging about breaking his fucking limbs.

[greatoldjohn]

So like I said.

You agree with him.

In fact, you think he should die just for saying things you don't like. Unless you think he should die for defending his own life.

And because he says things you don't like, his death doesn't even matter.

[howtheyshine]

This is fucking useless.

You don't get it, and you n̵̮̲̼̦̟͚̼̠̟͖̝̼͖̤̂͐͒̀̉̀͘ẻ̶̢̛̥͖̱̞͙̈́͌͘͝v̵͓̑̏́̈́͊͋͛̈̾̕e̸̡͈͓̟̟̗̱͕̲̎̇͊̔͝r̵͎̮͉̳̘̲̥̼͍̯͈̜͕̕͜ will.

Because you're not listening to me. You're just here to make your fucking point about how I am everything he says we are.

[greatoldjohn]

I'm listening.

And I'm not here to make a point. I'm trying to understand. I'm trying to see what is hurting you. Because I don't understand how this hurt you so much that the person who regrets breaking a branch can murder someone and say you don't regret it.

I've killed people. I even killed them and thought it was necessary.

I still regretted it.

Sometimes the regretting took a while but I never felt so firmly that I wouldn't regret it.

I don't think we are what he says we are. I don't even think it's right to divide what he is and what we are other than for practical matters like 'do you have legs?' 'do you need pants?' or 'do you eat?'

You're hearing what you're afraid of. What you want to be angry about. Not what I'm saying.

[howtheyshine]

I don't know. I just hate him.

[greatoldjohn]

Because he won't see you as a person?

[howtheyshine]

I'm so sick of trying and being called a monster, I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of being a fucking-- prisoner under the supervision of people like him.

[greatoldjohn]

So how does killing him make that better?

I want to help. I want you to feel better. I love you.

[howtheyshine]

Maybe he'll shut the fuck up.

[greatoldjohn]

So it's not about him?

[howtheyshine]

I don't know. But if one more person tells me to give slack or patience or some bullshit kindness to people who would never be kind to me or anyone like me, I'll fucking kill them too.

[greatoldjohn]

So because he didn't get it right a few times, you think he'll never be kind to you or anyone like you?

Why do you think that?

[howtheyshine]

How long am I supposed to wait for him to stop treating us like less than animals? When I can't leave, can't tell when I'll graduate if I ever fucking do? How long?

[greatoldjohn]

That's a dodge.

You said he never would. You decided who he is and what he's capable of. You decided he wasn't even worth regret.

I didn't say you had to wait.

I'm asking why you decided what his potential is. Why, if he was an inmate, he'd never graduate. Why he wouldn't even be here because he doesn't have the capacity to be better.

'I don't want to wait for him to pull his head out of his ass' and 'he can't' are two different things. Why did you decide the latter?

[howtheyshine]

[He doesn't know. He doesn't know, he doesn't want to think about it, and he isn't going to answer.]

[greatoldjohn]

[ He'll wait for a long time before he says very very gently:]

I know you can graduate. And I know you need to heal.

I don't think you feel better. I'll listen if I'm wrong but I don't think hurting people really helps even if it makes you feel like you can do something, like shut someone up.

When I was struggling with Arthur, I'd make him angry at me so that he would be an asshole to me so I'd feel better when I was an asshole at him. He was the person I could hurt, the one I could effect, so I did.

But I regret it.

[howtheyshine]

[There's a long, long silence before he replies.]

I haven't spent a single day that I remember free.

Not one.

But people like Richter who hate me for no reason get to be wardens in this stupid fucking place.

What's the point.

[greatoldjohn]

[ There is a looong pause. Consternation. Mostly because he's not sure How to tackle the complete...

Ahem. ]

"No reason"?

Edwin.

That's bullshit and you know it.

Your feelings of powerlessness do not erase the harm you can do or the harm that you have done to people.

[howtheyshine]

Fuck off.

[greatoldjohn]

No.

Because I know you're better than this.